IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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Tydens haar maandelikse besoek, sê die ou tannie aan die dokter:
"Hier's groot fout dokter. Ek poep al vir twee weke soos 'n ryer. Dis onophoudelik en die drukking en vibrasies pla erg.
Maar dis gelukkig nie 'n probleem in sosiale omstandighede nie, want dit het geen reuk nie en maak ook geen geluid nie. Ek het selfs al twintig keer gepoep vandat ek hier by jou sit."
Inskiklik knik die dokter sy kop en skryf aan die tannie pille voor en vra dat sy na twee weke moet terugkom om hom weer te sien.
Na twee weke is die ou tannie terug maar die keer is sy woes onsteld:
"Watse bliksemse pille het jy vir my gegee dokter?! Ek poep nogsteeds soos 'n resiesperd op steroids. Dit maak nogsteeds geen geluid nie,
maar nou vrot dit soos vark-afval wat vir 'n week in die son gelê en gis het!!!"
Die dokter knik weer inskiklik en sê:
"Noudat ons tannie se sinus probleem opgelos het, kan ons begin werk aan tannie se gehoor probleem.

Brakpan upper class has arrived

out