A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".


'"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous


Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google


Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead. (brilliant)
Sincerely, BP

While gardening, a young boy asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, how much will you pay me if I can get that earthworm back into its hole?"
Grandpa replies: "My boy, I will pay you fifty bucks!"

His grandson pulls out a spray can of liquid ice, blasts the earthworm and shoves the stiff worm back down its burrow. Grandpa grabs the can and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later comes back to the garden, gives the boy the can and another fifty bucks.

"Why are you paying me another fifty grandpa?" the boy asks...

"It's not from me my boy, it's from your Grandma..."

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on Scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If Get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off This building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna Sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch."

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.

'He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies,


'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head!!'.

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AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

TH