I guy sits in a bar next to a pirate.

The pirate has a wooden leg, a steel hook on one arm and a black eye cover on one eye.

"You must have had a rough life, what happened to your leg", the guy asks.

"It was taken off by a cannon ball during a raid we did on a ship in the Caribbean", replied the pirate.

"... and what happened to your hand", asked the guy...

"It was taken by a shark when I was swimming for shore after my ship was sunk", replied the pirate.

"...and your eye..."

"Well, I was lying on a tropical beach enjoying the sunshine when a seagull crapped in it", replied the pirate...

"But surely seagull crap won't make you loose your eye...?"

"I know", said the pirate, "it was the day after I got my hook..."

The petrol prices are getting ridiculous.

I went to the gas station today and asked for twenty rands worth of gas. The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.

Van was on a lekker holiday in Durbs. One day he heard from his friends that there was a fancy dress ball, and he could go. The dress theme was to symbolize a country.

Unsure what to do, he hid in a bush outside the hall and watched what was going on. A woman arrived scantily dressed in a few feathers. When the doorman asked what country she was she said "Turkey", so he said, "Feathers, Turkey, OK you can go in". Another beautiful and shapely woman arrived clad only in a "G" string, her body smeared with oil. She said she was Iran.
"Oil, Iran." OK go in. So then Van sauntered up to the door naked except for a brown paper packet placed over his manhood and said he was from Pakistan.
The doorman could not understand and asked Van to explain:

"Bring daardie twee meisies uit, dan sal jy sien hoe hierdie pakkie staan!!!"

HUNGRY MUCH?

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car..

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair of the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'