It is/was so cold...
roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

It is/was so cold...
pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!

It is/was so cold...
the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

It is/was so cold...
Grandpa’s teeth were chattering - in the glass!

It is/was so cold...
Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!

It is/was so cold...
words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and put them in the microwave!

It is/was so cold...
that I peed ice blocks

It is/was so cold...
Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.

It is/was so cold...
people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!

It is/was so cold...
he politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!

It is/was so cold...
the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!

It is/was so cold...
Pamela Anderson was downgraded from "hot" to "tepid".

It is/was so cold...
down at the city morgue, you couldn't tell the stiffs from the guys who worked there!

It is/was so cold...
when I needed local anesthesia - the dentist told me to stick my head outside!

It is/was so cold...
we had to kick a hole in the air just to get outside!

It is/was so cold...
kids' grades seemed to be improving at school - when you apply the wind chill factor, a 57% looks like 93%!

It is/was so cold...
when we went outside to play, we could only go as far as the extension cord would allow!

It is/was so cold...
that the politicians in hell had to ask for blankets to keep warm

It is/was so cold...
when I turned on the shower - I got hail!

It is/was so cold...
hitchhikers were holding up signs to "anywhere above -40°"

It is/was so cold...
firemen couldn't get to burning buildings because of the crowds of people just wanting to "hang out" somewhere warm!

It is/was so cold...
we didn't need roller wheels to move the furniture! In fact, if you didn't sit on the couch gently, you could find yourself sledding down the hallway!

It is/was so cold...
Mother Nature moved out and went south! She's no longer on speaking terms with Father Winter.

It is/was so cold...
work came to a grinding halt when we found out our funds were frozen.

It is/was so cold...
the orchestra concert was cancelled at school. The nurse spent the entire afternoon - steamer in hand - removing instruments from the lips of the brass section!

It is/was so cold...
my shadow froze to the ground - when I took a step it snapped right off!

It is/was so cold...
the police suspended the seatbelt law. Who needs them when you're frozen to the seat?

It is/was so cold...
the ANC stopped blowing hot air.

It is/was so cold...
a recent poll in town indicated that 92% of the inhabitants no longer considered global warming a bad thing!

It is/was so cold...
the radio was broadcasting iceberg warnings to motorists!

It is/was so cold...
religious leaders were becoming concerned - their congregations were actually liking some of the things they said about Hell!

Mother Superior is asking the girls in the convent what they would like to do for a career one day. The first pipes up: "Well mother Superior, I would like to be the first female Engineer". "Wonderful", exclaims Mother Superior slowly motioning to the next. "Well mother Superior, I would like to be a nurse, like Florence Nightingale". "Excelent", exclaims mother superior slowly motioning to the last. "In all honesty, Mother Superior, I would like to be a prostitute". At this point Mother Superior faints and requires the Nuns to fan her thereby ressucitating her. "Forgive me my child, what was it again that you desired to become"? "You heard correctly Mother Supperior, I desire to work as a prostitute". At this point, Mother Supperior throws her hands into the air in relief."Oh thank God, my child, at my age my hearing is not what it used to be, I thought you said a Protestant"!

SA ID



eNone too big for Hilux lmao

Okay and this is how our South African police force train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.


At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'get your own fucking blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

TH

Road Kill:

Cop finds Pumbaa howling next to what is supposed to be Timon, splattered all over the road.

"What the heck happened" the cop asks.

Pumbaa wails "A coon in a Tata!"